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I Chose Love
- Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC
My partner’s declaration that he’s moving to Hawai’i came on the heels of my numerous inquiries
to know the truth. We had been in relationship for two years and on occasion Tom had voiced his desire to move there— there being any of the islands that most call Hawai’i. But recently things were different.
“I’m moving to Hawai’i. I’m being drawn to know more and this calling has become too strong to ignore. I have to know what’s there.” Despite his insistence that his love for, and commitment to us was here to stay, his less than subtle change in behavior had not been lost on me. Nor was his inability to silence my arousing fears. Mounting evidence to the contrary, and, ultimately, his inner struggle with guilt revealed what he could not previously put into words. He professed that there was not another woman; just a calling to be answered. That admission was all the more painful! Why or how could I compete with a spiritual calling?
I turned to my female friends and a therapist who related to my pain. They encouraged me to remain present through my anger and sadness. They did not vilify him or add inflammatory fuel to my scornful fury. Instead, they validated the reality which stood before me. He exited, stage left, despite his vows of love and commitment and for reasons they did not understand. “Just what is a calling? We don’t get it”, my friends uttered.
I did get it! Therein lay my excruciating quandary. Could I muster any compassion knowing that Tom’s choice was not so much what I perceived to be his calculated exit and rejection, as it was his need to answer his profound calling to know God and to walk in Spirit? Or, should I lay down the ground rules for self-care and share my need to have no further contact as I was feeling at that moment?
My struggle to find compassion was no easy task. Here was a man that I adored, loved, and cherished and who chose to know his spiritual self. Paradoxically, his choice to walk away from our relationship in lieu of putting us on interminable hold was an act of love in lieu of promises he could not guarantee. “Why”, I asked couldn’t you engage me in this decision? “Why, Hawai’i”? As hard as it was to move through my questioning pain and heartache, I did understand that undeniable force to act on blind faith and purposefully move away from the known toward the uncertain.
Six years ago, I, too, acted on blind faith and walked away from a known career as an Equity trader after many years of financial success to pursue the uncertain and impoverished, yet meaningful career in psychotherapy. At the time, a deep and stirring desire beckoned me to delve deeper and search for something more meaningful. I didn’t know what that meant at the time but in the quiet, that calling came and beckoned me. Today, I’m a licensed therapist and I help patients cope with life on life’s terms. The blind faith that drove me, stemmed from my own unquestionable calling to assist others along their journey to know an inner peace and serenity.
Was Tom’s calling to walk in Spirit much different than my desire to help others on their journey? In Romans 6:11-14, walking in Spirit is “brought about by consciously choosing by faith to rely on the Holy Spirit to guide in thought, word, and deed”. “Failure to rely on the Holy Spirit's guidance will result in a believer not living up to the calling and standing that salvation provides” (John 3:3; Ephesians 4:1).
We all perceive our reality through our experiential filters, and at times, despite
every attempt to avoid the inevitable, we are all but compelled to look inward. The brutal irony of my situation was too obvious to ignore. Intellectually, I knew that being a therapist never guaranteed me immunity from my own life’s twists of fate. However, I had believed that it did render me the gift of emotional intelligence and therefore, emotional fortitude. It was now my turn to look inward and summon my own spiritual strength in spite of my filters
through which I viewed life.
I was no victim here. I willingly engaged in this relationship knowing in my center that I will continue to come up against myself for as long as I have more to learn and what I had not
yet learned about myself was clearly present in partnership with Tom.
This relationship was not perfect--it was far from it. Nevertheless, the resounding fact was that I loved his company and the man he was. We were committed to each other and our individual spiritual growth. We enjoyed passion, love and respect and it was my long standing belief that in life, “more shall be revealed”, but it never occurred to me that the universal spirit had other intentions and that I was not the definitive determinant despite my agreement or resistance.
I hadn’t anticipated this universal “two by four”; that the man Tom wanted to become, and had yet to know, meant that an intimate journey to know his authentic self led him elsewhere. I was bluntly living the reality of my words that life’s lessons are a blessing to be cherished and welcomed, not rejected and feared. Every molecule of spiritual expansion; every step I took tested my faith in the Universal law of Ten-fold Abundance. This law promises that every genuine and loving act will be rewarded in ten-fold fashion. Only my true and genuine faith would know in time what the next opportunity in my life was due to offer. There were no Godly get-out-of-jail cards offered up with Tom’s declaration.
So, in the end my pain summoned me to go to a deeper place. His journey summoned me o ask myself the hard and fast questions that I was not wanting to know or ask. Slowly, in fits and starts, and with great imperfection, I overrode any anger and bitterness that I felt. I loved the man he was and I wanted to know and love the man he was meant to be. Even if that meant his journey was leading him elsewhere. And, even if that meant stage left out of the relationship that I knew until now.
I didn’t have to understand why Hawai’i or why it meant our relational parting. My choices were clear. Either I accept the reality that lie before me and support the man in his walk with Spirit, or reject the man I love and the faith in knowing that more shall be revealed for me, as well.
With time and inner struggle, I came to recognize that by rejecting him and his greater desire to grow spiritually meant an equal denial of my own spiritual growth and fulfillment. It was then that I was reminded of the passage in Galatians 5:22, 23, “We can know that we are walking by or in the Spirit if our lives are showing forth the fruit of the Spirit which is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control”.
I chose love.
December
2005
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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Debra L. Kaplan, MA, LAC, LISAC, is a licensed therapist in Tucson,
Arizona. She integrates authentic power and spirituality into her
work and teachings in the treatment of Posttraumatic Stress Disorders and co-occurring addictions. You can email Debra at
Deb886@comcast.net
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