|
How
I journeyed beyond childhood abuse
-
Ruby Bennet
There was a time when I didn't think I could make it. Seven years of childhood sexual abuse had carved an apparently indelible scar on my being.
On the surface, I probably looked as though I were in control, but inside, I was a wreck. In some ways, I'd made progress-I'd finished high school and college, gotten married and found meaningful employment. But too often I made it from day to day simply by forcing myself to fulfill my responsibilities. My marriage was struggling and I was unhappy at home. And, I thought a lot about suicide during this time.
I was in a mental prison, trapped behind the bars of the past. The abuse had happened years ago, but into my 30s, I was still struggling. I kept a journal and read self-help books, but while they gave me an emotional outlet, they didn't provide lasting solutions.
In my search for comfort, I also prayed. And I realized I could turn to God for help.
Bible study was an important part of my life. So were the ideas I was learning about Christian Science through my study of Science and Health. These books mentored me when I couldn't confide in anyone else. They encouraged me to do my best and not to surrender to thoughts of suicide. They taught me about my true untouched identity as a child of God.
Instead of saying I was injured beyond repair, the spiritual truth I glimpsed offered hope and the promise of freedom. It was as if God was saying, "You have value. You are Mine, and I will see you through this." What a relief to realize my Maker saw me as spiritual and blameless. I came to see that nothing could damage my connection to God.
This prayer-focused approach to life began to make a difference. My relationship with God was
where I started and ended my prayers. I began by remembering that He is always present, and I finished by expressing gratitude to Him.
Submerged in quiet prayer, I discovered I was not alone. I began talking directly to God, laying my concerns and fears at His feet, so to speak. God was the safe place where I took my confidences, and the knowledge of His love helped assuage my terrible loneliness and isolation.
My assurance of being loved grew stronger and more immediate. This was a new way of praying for me. I was able to let go of much of what held me back and to realize that greater trust in God could transform my experience.
I always found something to be thankful for. Often a deep stillness, an awareness of God as Love, made up my entire prayer. The more I reached for Love, the more I found the moment-by-moment inspiration that met the needs of my heart. God's love touched me and I felt it.
God knows me as innocent and worthy, as vibrant and flawless. And Love is a tender, reliable presence I can count on to give me the right answers. This Bible verse took life: "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind."
Gradually, the loneliness abated and the nightmares and flashbacks lessened. It didn't happen in an instant, but it did happen over the course of several years. Days started passing in which the ugly fingers of the past didn't choke the beauty of the present.
During this time, my first marriage ended and within a year I had remarried and started a family. Friendships appeared from unexpected directions. Negative character traits like shyness dropped away. Eventually I found I had an active social life and became involved in volunteer work. Once, on behalf of our local museum, I grabbed a microphone and spoke spontaneously in front of a hundred people. They laughed and cheered, and I knew I was becoming a different person as my spiritual self became more real to me and to others.
In my journey along the winding path to recovery I've run, walked and sometimes crawled. But now I've made it to a better place. A place where I can feel good about myself-where the voices of the past can't obscure the clear message of Love. It's a place safe with God that everyone can call home.
Republished by permission www.spirituality.com
2006
Respond
to this Article/Story or leave YOUR comment
***************************************************
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Ruby Bennet; Realizing
her true identity and worth as a child of God released this woman from the
pain and fear that had kept her a victim of abuse.
|
|
.
